SomeRandomGuy asked:
I apologize if this is lengthy but I really need a second opinion before I lose my mind. I’m a 23 year old recent college grad, have been dating my girlfriend (21) for almost a year. We have a fantastic relationship and I can predict it will last into marriage. She is still finishing up her 3rd year at school while i’m pocketing 52k a year at my job working like an animal. She also lives with her parents and pays for basically a phone bill and gas and nothing much else. I pay for my car payments,insurance, etc. etc. etc. (I live with family right now but moving out soon). When we go out and do things, I’d say that 99% of the time I front the bill because Im a gentleman and thats how I was raised. However, recently i’ve been getting bitter and resentfull that she doesn’t offer to pay for the SMALLEST of things which are proportionate to her budget…for example…a movie rental ($5)…ice cream ($7) and it makes me feel …well, used. I spoke to her and she got offended. Says shes broke
She did pay $600 of her birthday money to pay for our drink bill and excrusions on a cruise we took last month, but thats about it. To me its not a money issue,its an idea of reciprication (spelling,sorry). She makes less,i understand that, but she doesnt have even $10 a month to pay for a movie? She says she has $600 in debt…but that shouldnt be my obligation! I’m not a savings plan right? We’re not married…so I would just like some women’s advice on this. Am i irrational? Am i being cheap?
I apologize if this is lengthy but I really need a second opinion before I lose my mind. I’m a 23 year old recent college grad, have been dating my girlfriend (21) for almost a year. We have a fantastic relationship and I can predict it will last into marriage. She is still finishing up her 3rd year at school while i’m pocketing 52k a year at my job working like an animal. She also lives with her parents and pays for basically a phone bill and gas and nothing much else. I pay for my car payments,insurance, etc. etc. etc. (I live with family right now but moving out soon). When we go out and do things, I’d say that 99% of the time I front the bill because Im a gentleman and thats how I was raised. However, recently i’ve been getting bitter and resentfull that she doesn’t offer to pay for the SMALLEST of things which are proportionate to her budget…for example…a movie rental ($5)…ice cream ($7) and it makes me feel …well, used. I spoke to her and she got offended. Says shes broke
She did pay $600 of her birthday money to pay for our drink bill and excrusions on a cruise we took last month, but thats about it. To me its not a money issue,its an idea of reciprication (spelling,sorry). She makes less,i understand that, but she doesnt have even $10 a month to pay for a movie? She says she has $600 in debt…but that shouldnt be my obligation! I’m not a savings plan right? We’re not married…so I would just like some women’s advice on this. Am i irrational? Am i being cheap?
I don’t think you are being cheap at all. You are being completely reasonable. I have a hard time understanding girls who think that a guy should pay for everything. And I would not date someone who expected me to pay for everything either. I don’t have any advice on how to fix this situation. If it continues to bother you, you might need to break up. With financial issues arising so early in a relationship, it can’t be a good sign.
I don’t think you are being irrational. It isn’t unreasonable to feel that she is taking you for granted in the financial sense. I don’t think it is intentional on her part. Since she has never lived on her own or had to pay her own bills, she has no concept of how expensive day to day life can be. Until she is out on her own, she will not be able to appreciate your perspective on the situation. For her to be offended/angry that you mentioned this shows a lack of maturity. Other than trying to talk to her again about how you feel, there isn’t much else you can do other than continue to pay for everything.
Those are both good answers, as an adult female I agree with them both. I told my boyfriend on our 2nd date that I don’t expect him to pay for everything, and we split it all about 50/50 except for presents. I’ll buy dinner, he pays for the movie or whatever, or the other way around!
Dude stop and look at it from her point of view…You, her boyfriend have been paying everything and I’m sure you being a gentleman whip the wallet out quick…
People get use to things if things are always given…
Now here’s an easy way for you to do this…Lets say she suggests movie night…You say… are you paying? Use words you would say, you don’t have to use mine…This why this gives her the opportunity to do so and all is good…
I think your a good guy and I’m sure you wouldn’t want to do anything to hurt her, but she needs to learn now not later…
Now if she says she is broke, then say well i guess we wont be seeing a movie.
If you keep giving in, this will be expected and nothing will change…
Let me start by saying, you’re not being cheap at all nor irrational. However, maybe you need to stop and think about how you approached the situation and how some of the things you may have said could have offended or upset her. I’m sure your girlfriend greatly appreciates every penny you spend on her and I’m also sure that your girlfriend wouldn’t mind footing the bill once in a while when she isn’t in a bind with money. Maybe you should give her more credit for the times that she HAS put out money being that she makes so much less than you (which was far more than 5 times…were you keeping track?). While she lives at home with her parents and doesn’t have to pay rent, she also gets paid a miesly $400-$500 every OTHER week which gets portioned out to gas, cell phone, food, etc. Those bills may seem minimal to you…but they leave her with barely any spending money by the end of the week. I don’t believe your girlfriend EVER expected you to pay for everything, I doubt that she is that shallow. In response to the first answer your received….if this is considered a “financial” issue, then just wait till you get married….there will be much more to pay for then. In response to the second answer you received…just because your girlfriend hasn’t lived on her own yet doesn’t mean she has no concept of how expensive things are…nor does it make her ANY less mature than you. Frankly your girlfriend is probably more mature than 90 percent of the people her age. If you need her to spend $10 or $5 here and there to make you feel “appreciated” or “equal” than maybe SHE needs to consider what the future of this relationship will bring. The reason your girlfriend probably got offended was because you decided to degrade her and say things such as “you don’t want her to think you’re her financial responsibility” or “she shouldn’t rely on you to pay for things”. I’m sure your girlfriend has NEVER considered herself YOUR financial responsibilty. But to give you a reality check, if you’re having problems with footing the bill now, whats going to happen if you get married and your wife decides she wants to stay home and raise children, and not work….are you still going to be angry due to the inequality that will create?
Your girlfriend probably believes that this issue arrised from the fact that your having problems at work. Maybe the fact that your paychecks are held back while your trying to move out and make changes, therefore burdening you, is causing you to confront your girlfriend about a petty $5-10 (and then claim that the issue is non-monetary). You aren’t, never have been and never will be your girlfriends savings plan. If that was the case, maybe she would have some money actually saved up.
Here are my suggestions. Maybe the two of you just need to not go out as often , because your girlfriend isn’t going to be able to make things “equal” while she is in school…but realistically if you’re still feeling “used” then maybe you DO need to consider parting ways.